"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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