so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Randomize
