It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize