i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
