my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize