so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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