How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
