I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
