i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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