Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
