If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
