I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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