I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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