I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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