does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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