I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Randomize
