It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
