I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
