I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
i've created a new STD.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
