How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
