Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
zippers are such a cool invention
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
