woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
