i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Randomize
