I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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