You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
