Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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