Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize