I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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