My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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