Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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