he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
