Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
one two three fourrrrnication!
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize