I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize