i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
last night I used snow as a chaser
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