You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
