for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
