im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
