Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
