I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
