hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I can't put those talents on a resume
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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