You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
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