Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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