I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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