Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
