Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize