Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
