Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
