Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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