Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
be right there i have to get my cape
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
