I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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