Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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