Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
