My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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