There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
