I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
