So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
