Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
