end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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