dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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