1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
try to milk me bitch
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
