Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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