Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
