kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
