We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
