My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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