hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
