Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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